I have been avoiding to post anything for the past 3 months because I didn’t want to get personal. Ive been avoiding this topic for the longest but I feel like now is the right time to talk about it.
I went counselling not for the first time. The first time I went counselling was when my uncle died in 2011. I then went last year in October through November. It was the best thing I ever did. My counsellor was lovely. I would travel about an hour to and from to get there every Tuesday.
So much things had happened to me and was happening to me at the time. Something major and personal happened to me concerning a relative which I will not go into any detail about but lets just say this was the stick that broke the camels back (Is that even a saying or did I make that up?). I had enough with life and I wasn’t happy within myself. I hated myself and I was depressed. I went to my doctors and told him everything that I was even suicidal, I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to write this fact down rather than say it. I have told many people about it but writing it seems hard. Anyway, I hated myself and I was antisocial. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I only ever went to work and back and that was hard enough due to my boss being a bully ( I will talk about that in another post).
I would say from the age of 18 till the last few months of 2016 I was suffering with depression and not many people knew about it. It just got worse and worse especially between the ages of 22 till 24. I hated my job, well I didn’t hate my job I hated my manager and I think this played a big part to my well being. I couldn’t really talk to anyone about it and when I tried to talk to some people about it they weren’t listening or even supportive. When you tell people your manager is horrible and mean, people just assume you’re being a big baby and you just cant cope with life when in actual fact they didn’t know the severity of the whole situation but assumed things which made me want to shut up and stay in silence.
I think the worst thing about those years of me being depressed was the horrible fact that I hated myself. I hated the way I looked, the way I spoke; just everything about me. And when I look back it makes me sad that I hated myself that much as well as hating life to the point where I wanted to commit suicide. Not many people knew this at the time apart from my sister who was very supportive of me, I can’t imagine my life without her.
I lived a normal life, I may have acted a little weird like not turning up to events or ignoring people on WhatsApp but not many people cared enough to ask why or ask if I was really ok or some did but just weren’t supportive. This is why I believe it is important to make sure we are all ok not just messaging someone asking how are you? But asking no really how are you? Sometimes some of my friends may call and I can hear in their voice that something is wrong and I would probe them and get it out of them or even on WhatsApp I know something is wrong because I know them so well and I want them to know that they don’t have to hide anything from me I will not judge them and I will be supportive.
Sometimes we have to be less selfish, stop thinking about ourselves and think about others at times. For example you haven’t heard from a friend in awhile don’t just think oh they’re perfectly fine living life without me. No! Message them and see if they’re ok like really ok not just a simple how are you but a really concerned conversation like how comes I haven’t heard from you? We always hear stories about people committing suicide and people saying but they were happy, fun and loving. But they obviously weren’t. So take the time out today to check on that one person that seems a bit distant or you know is going through something. A simple phone call or text message really goes a long way. We always think in this day and age oh they’re just working and living life we don’t need to talk everyday. No one is saying you have to talk everyday but I’m talking about those close friendships where you know your friend and you feel your instincts are telling you different.
We all have instincts, we just have to listen to it more often.
I am definitely in a better place now. I love myself again, I go to the gym and I am just a better person mentally and emotionally. I thank my counsellor for that. At times I feel like giving her a call just to say thank you. She helped me in so many ways. Its not to say I don’t have bad days because I do but suicide does not cross my thoughts anymore. By the way this didn’t happen over night it took time. I took time off work, I started going to the gym. I worked on me, I had to tell myself good things about myself everyday (I still do). I had to look in the mirror and learn to love myself again and I can honestly say I have never been happier.